Hmm Weekly for December 1, 2020

We're topers for Tuesday

MR. WRONG

By Joe MacLeod

The Mr. Wrong column is presented by Hmm Weekly.

The Sky is Falling

LOOK, I DON’T mean the sky is falling for real, I mean we’re in Big Trouble and it’s sky-related. Did you see that Observatory thing in Puerto Rico? They already got hosed by that hurricane a coupla years ago, now they’re losing vital interplanetary monitoring infrastructure! The whole fucking thing fell down! This is our fault! We have one less huge way to look at Outer Space! Don’t kid yourself, that’s where the real Enemy will come from, while errbody on Earth is putzing around with those stupid Monoliths!

Did you see those? How could you not? That’s what’s important these days, stupid Art stunts and people meme-goofing on how it’s space aliens. We just broke a thing that helps us look at space aliens! Now a buncha goofballs are driving out to some fucking national park or something to see a piece of metal because it reminds them of the Space Odyssey movie, 2001.

There’s nothing anywhere around that one piece of metal in Utah so people went out there and then guess what, they hadda poop! On the Earth!

Militants then felt compelled to go out there and remove the stupid Art exhibit because they were mad about all the people who went out there to fuck up the scenery.

Go home! Go home and watch TV, that’s where you can learn all about the goddamn Monoliths, the Obelisks, they are PYLONS, from the Saturday morning Science Fiction Television program Land of the Lost. Mystery solved!

Stop screwing up the Earth and Watch The Skies! On TV!

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THOUGHT DEP’T.

Do you have a thought? Send it to hmmweekly@hmmweekly.com.

SNACK FOOD DEP’T.

From The Ground Up CAULIFLOWER Stalks (cheddar flavor)

I BOUGHT A bag of these CAULIFLOWER STALKS at the price club because I always want to enjoy new crunchies, and if it’s healthy somehow, that’s great. I’m willing to roll the dice, like on those boring taro chips I bought once, bleagh.

This MADE WITH REAL CAULIFLOWER snack is cheese flavored, and when I popped open the bag, there was a nice huff of cheese dust. They look like ziti, which is fun, and is for me, a shape that conveys the promise of a thing that will be good to eat, and cauliflower is healthy! I am all about pretty much anything made with cauliflower, until now, yuck!

The number one ingredient is always a big tell. I mean, what’s the number one ingredient in a bag of potato chips? This time it’s cassava, a starchy tuber. Maybe they should try and make cassava chips?

There is a bad bitter aromatic aftertaste that approaches the power of peanuts or peanut butter in terms of persisting for hours after you eat these things. I was gonna eat another one—another STALK—while I composed this review, but putting this junk in my mouth was such a bad experience for me that I actively DO NOT WANT. It’s not just a bland or boring item, it’s bad-tasting.

I can say that there isn’t anything bad in the ingredients, it’s just that they don’t taste very good in this recipe. I would totally try another product from this company because I like what they’re trying to do, but I cannot recommend this particular snack item.

DISPOSSESSIONS DEP’T.

Butt Nite Lite

AN ARTIST FRIEND who now lives in Europe distributed Panelescent nite lites featuring a self-portrait photo of her butt. Ours ended up in the studio, in a dark anteroom. It was a funny reminder of a kooky friend, and it rated a chuckle every time we noticed it. Recently, the light has gone out of the butt, so it’s not as much fun now, it’s just a picture of a butt, not a weird green glowing picture of a butt, and it seems irresponsible to have it occupying a plug, so it’s being shipped back to the creator for possible resuscitation or repurposing.

REMINDER DEP’T.

THE SOPHIST is here to tell you why you're right. Send your questions to AskTheSophist@hmmweekly.com, and get the answers you want.

HOW TO EAT A THING DEP’T.

Here is how to equip oneself to enjoy a sticky bun.

This has been HOW TO EAT A THING. Thank you.

SANDWICH RECIPES ADDENDUM DEP’T.

WE EXTEND OUR presentation of select recipes from the 1923 edition of The Calorie Cook Book, by Mary Dickerson Donahey: “Menus for Reducing—for Upbuilding—for Maintenance” because we kept thinking about last week’s recipe for Pepper Hash Sandwiches, which called for “any one of the thick salad dressings.” We realized later that we never identified any salad dressings, and we couldn’t figure out which ones were “thick.” Some of them have the word “thick” or “thicken” in them, but anyway, in the interest of culinary completeness, we will present—in two installments—the dressings in the “Dressings, Sauces, and Icings” section of Ms. Dickerson Donahey’s book, and maybe you can figure out which ones are “thick.”

Boiled Salad Dressing
490 Calories
1/4 tbsp. salt
1 tsp. mustard
Cayenne pepper, few grains
1 1/2 tbsps. flour
Yolks of 2 eggs
1 1/2 tbsps. melted butter
3/4 cup milk
1/4 cup vinegar or half vinegar and lemon juice

Mix the dry ingredients together; beat the egg yolks together and add; then beat in very slowly the butter, milk and vinegar. Cook in a double boiler, or over boiling water in some fashion, till the mixture thickens. If not smooth strain while still hot.

French Dressing
1235 Calories
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. sugar
1 tsp. dry mustard
1 tsp. paprika
2 tsps. cold water
4 tbsps. vinegar
12 tbsps. oil
1 clove of garlic
Dash of Worcestershire sauce

Mix the dry ingredients together and blend them with the cold water. Add the vinegar, and beat in the oil. Add one dash of Worcestershire sauce and if you like garlic, put in one clove. The flavor of the garlic will come out better if the garlic is diced. It may be strained out before serving the dressing, unless to be used by real garlic topers. They can’t get enough of it.

Cream Dressing
415 Calories
3/4 tbsp. sugar
1/4 tbsp. salt
1/3 tbsp. mustard
1 egg
2 1/2 tbsps. melted butter
3/4 cup cream
1/4 cup vinegar

Mix all the dry things together first; beat your egg a little and mix that in; then the butter; then the cream; add the vinegar last, and add it slowly and carefully. Cook in a double boiler until the dressing is thick. Strain, if necessary, and set away to cool. For cole slaw mostly, though good on potato and fish salads.

If you think you know which of these items are “thick,” kindly communicate with us at hmmweekly@substack.com.

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