Hmm Weekly for June 1, 2021

We're about halfway through our year's supply of Tuesdays

DEP’T OF HEALTH: I Failed My Blood Test

WARNING: CONTAINS IMAGES OF BLOOD DROPS

I TRY TO be a Good Citizen. When the COVID-19 was going around like wildfire, I took it seriously and observed the Guidance and exercised the Prophylaxis. Through this whole thing now, I behaved myself, even though I had a specific belief that I totally had the COVID-19 in November of 2019, I observed all the stuff!

Eventually I got a vaccination, and then another one, and months later now, tonight, I’m gonna go to a baseball game in a baseball stadium where there is no longer a capacity limit. This shit’s wide open! I hope you didn’t get sick and if you did, I hope you are OK now, and if you lost somebody, I am very sorry. This has been terrible, and all the malletheads out there scoffing haven’t helped one fucking bit.

After I got my shots I signed up for the COVID-19 Community Research Partnership. Every day I fill out a quick questionnaire asking me how I feel, do I have any symptoms, have I been around any COVID-19, do I wear a mask in public, and do I have any test results, COVID-19-wise.

The other day I got a blood test kit in the mail, and I was like: Yes! Now I will find out if I had the COVID!

But of course it doesn’t work like that. If you got the COVID, after you recover, the proof doesn’t stay in your blood for long, it’s like the Common Cold, you get one, you get over it, you are somehow not able to get another cold for awhile, and then eventually you get another goddamn cold. I sure hope America is ready for that kinda Reality with COVID-19. Anyway, back to me and my participation in Science!

So I get the kit open and I do the whole thing, and of course I didn’t read the instructions properly and I immediately tried to recycle the box I was supposed to use to ship back the kit.

There’s this little gizmo that you use to stab yourself in the finger, and then you’re supposed to bleed on this card inside the circles.

Then you put it in a BIOHAZARD bag and put that bag in the box you were supposed to keep, and then put that into a special-color Fedex envelope and off it goes. Science! Good Citizenry! I felt pretty good about myself, being a Participant.

About a week later?!? I got a test result, which I do not believe was from the thing I sent in, but anyway, it said I was Positive, but that was because I got vaccinated.

So that was unsatisfying in terms of me ever finding out if I had it back in 2019, but anyway, Science!

A few days ago, I got another test in the mail, like the first one, except there was a card in there that was like, “you didn’t get the blood in the circles correctly,” which hurt my feelings because I thought I did a good job! So I went and did the test again, except this time, I couldn’t get my finger to bleed very well on the first try, and then even on the second try, I messed up, and those little finger-stab things only work one time, so I just went with what I had, and when I was putting the test box in the Fedex envelope, I forgot about the sheet of paper where you’re supposed to put the date and time, so I hadda cut the envelope back open to put it in and then put tape on it, which might creep out Fedex, since they know what’s in those special-type envelopes, I guess?

Also! I found the original stuff from my first test kit, which was on The Pile on the kitchen table, do you have a Pile? Mail, glasses, magazines, a mask? Anyway, I had one of the stabby-things in there, so I cut the envelope open again and I still couldn’t get the blood outta my damn finger properly. Worse than last time! So I wrote a note on the box and sent it in. I’m trying to be a good Citizen!

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SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.

WE PRESENT recipes for sandwiches from Salads, Sandwiches and Chafing Dish Recipes, Copyright 1916, now in the public domain for the delectation of all, written by Marion Harris Neil, M.C.A., former Cookery Editor, The Ladies’ Home Journal, author of How to Cook in Casserole Dishes, Candies and Bonbons and How to Make Them, Canning, Preserving and Pickling, and The Something-Different Dish.

LIVER AND CHESTNUT SANDWICHES
1/2 lb. (2 cups) boiled liver
1 pint (2 cups) shelled chestnuts
1 gill (1/2 cup) stock
1/2 oz. (1 tablespoonful) butter
Salt and pepper to taste
Buttered bread

Boil the chestnuts until soft, then blanch them and mash to a fine paste. Add the livers, chopped fine, the butter, seasonings, and stock. Heat and mix thoroughly, then set away to cool. Spread between thin slices of buttered bread. Cut into neat squares and serve.

LOBSTER SANDWICHES
Slices bread
Sweet butter
Salt and paprika
Hard-cooked egg-yolk
Pounded cooked lobster
Chopped parsley
Capers
Liquid aspic jelly
Lettuce or watercress

Spread some thinly cut slices of bread with sweet butter, sprinkle this with a little salt and paprika, and on this sprinkle some hard-cooked yolk of egg which has been rubbed through a wire sieve.

Have some more buttered bread spread with the lobster, and sprinkled with chopped parsley and capers. Close the slices together, the last mentioned on the top, then cut out with a round cutter about two inches in diameter. Brush over the top side of the rounds with a little liquid aspic jelly and sprinkle with chopped parsley.

Place the lettuce or watercress in the center of a dish, and arrange the sandwiches round the salad. Potted lobster may be used.
Another Method.—Remove meat from a boiled lobster and slice into small pieces. Cut bread thin, remove crusts, and butter. Mix the lobster with mayonnaise dressing and spread thinly between two slices of bread. Cut into oblong pieces.

MARSHMALLOW SANDWICHES
Marshmallows
Fingers buttered bread

Cut some marshmallows in halves and place them between small narrow fingers of buttered bread; then toast in a very hot oven, first on one side and then on the other.

If you decide to prepare and enjoy any of these sandwiches, kindly send a picture to us at hmmweekly@substack.com.

HMM WEEKLY IS written by Tom Scocca, editor, and Joe MacStabby, creative director. If you enjoy Hmm Weekly, please let a friend know about it! If you're reading this because someone forwarded it to you, we invite you to sign up for a copy of your own right now. Thanks for reading, and any time you want, email us at hmmweekly@substack.com.