Hmm Weekly for March 30, 2021
What is "Holy Tuesday?"
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Another Week, Another HMM WEEKLY
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By Joe MacLeod
The Mr. Wrong column is presented by Hmm Weekly.
I DON’T LIKE wearing a mask any more than any pea-brain out there who doesn’t want to wear a mask because it stifles their Freedom or whatever, but when I go to the Price Club to score asswipe in the 36 extra-mega-roll quantity, I am kinda glad I am wearing a mask, and vaccine-wise, after I get my second shot of the Pfizer good-good, I might keep wearing a mask, you know?
I mean, when I’m standing at the Price Club deli for some sliced meats and/or cheeses, I’m also glad that they aren’t performing the whole “would you like to taste a slice” comedy, which I have never supported. Are you familiar with this bullshit? You order some sliced meat or a cheese (sliced), and the slicer slices a slice, and then holds up the slice toward you and asks you if you would care to “taste” the slice, which I gotta say, I have done in the past out of surprise or, I dunno, politeness?
I don’t wanna be the jerk who rejects the slicer’s offering, it always seems kinda rude to reject food, however, the slice, MY slice, is being held up and waived around in the air, so it’s kinda becoming a used slice, you know? And then if I don’t “taste” it, this kinda dirty slice goes back into my piles of slices! I don’t want the Demonstration slice! Pre-owned slice! Also, what am I, a fucking trained sea lion or something? Urp-urp! Ooh, slice! Urp! Glomp!
Look, I already said I wanted the goddamn Black Forest Ham! I have a pretty good idea of what a Black Forest Ham tastes like! What am I, dealing with a sommelier, I’m gonna sniff and tell the Coldcuts Steward the Black Forest Ham is “corked” or some fucking Ham Enthusiast critical note? Slice my ham, stop fooling around!
It’s like at the hibachi restaurant or whatever it’s called, teppanyaki? Where the chefs chop the stuff up on the grill and then throw shrimps or whatever at the customers? That’s totally the chef being like “Yeah, c’mon dogs, eat this shrimp, jump for it! Open wide! Yeah, beg for the dinner meal you are paying for, sucker! I like dinner-and-a-show, but I don’t dig being the show when I’m paying for the motherfucking dinner!
Anyway, the Price Club used to be full of this HERE TASTE THIS stuff, there’d be sampler-stations where employees with hairnets and those food-gloves were set up for Food Service, and they’d be grillin’ little sausages or frozen appetizers or whatever, and it was like the goddamn midway at the county fair, with carnies asking you to try some of the new turkey meatballs or mini-bagel mini-pizzas or some other frozen thing. The sample-stations stress me out! I don’t want to interact at the Price Club! I don’t want to feel weird because I didn’t like the spinach-and-cheese puff pastry appetizer! They have the Product right there so right after you glumph down a toothpick-mounted chunk of whatever, they ask you if you’d like to take some home since you ate it and obviously enjoyed! I feel bad rejecting somebody who just fed me! I don’t wanna taste anything because then I will taste guilt for not purchasing a five-pound sack of pigs-in-blankets! I don’t know what to do with the toothpick when I’m done! I just wanna get my 24-count crate of Kraft Cheese Dinner and some bulk-pack coffee beans and toothpaste and get the fuck out!
Masks have stopped all this sampling business! It’s not good hygiene to be handling passed appetizers and pulling the mask up to get it in your appetizer-hole! It’s great! I think even when this Current Unpleasantness passes, I will just keep wearing the mask in the Price Club, and nobody will try and feed me. Urp-urp!
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SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT recipes for sandwiches from Salads, Sandwiches and Chafing Dish Recipes, Copyright 1916, by David McKay, Publisher, and now in the public domain for the delectation of all, written by Marion Harris Neil, M.C.A., former Cookery Editor, The Ladies’ Home Journal, author of How to Cook in Casserole Dishes, Candies and Bonbons and How to Make Them, Canning, Preserving and Pickling, and The Something-Different Dish.
One of the most important things to be considered is the bread. Sandwiches made of new bread are considered superior; it is best, however, to use fine grained bread about twenty hours old.
—Marion Harris Neal, Salads, Sandwiches and Chafing Dish Recipes
CUCUMBER AND LETTUCE SANDWICHES
1/2 pint (1 cup) boiled dressing
1 gill (1/2 cup) whipped cream
Crisp lettuce leaves
Peeled and sliced cucumbers
Vinegar and onion-juice to taste
Salt, pepper, and paprika to taste
Buttered whole-wheat bread
Ground nut meats
Mix the whipped cream with the boiled dressing and spread on slices of whole-wheat bread. Sprinkle over with a layer of ground nut meats, and on one slice lay two or three thinly sliced pieces of cucumber seasoned with vinegar, onion-juice, salt, pepper, and paprika. On the other slice of the sandwich place one or two lettuce leaves and press the slices lightly together.
The nuts may be omitted.
Another Method.—Delicious sandwiches may be made by dipping thin slices of cucumber in well-seasoned French dressing or boiled dressing, and placing, with a sprinkling of finely chopped fresh mint, between thin slices of white bread spread with sweet butter. Cut into star shapes.
Salt and pepper to taste
Allow one slice of light bread, three-fourths of an inch thick, and an egg to each person. Cut the bread in rounds, spread with butter, and brown lightly. Cool and spread with grated cheese. Beat up the whites of the eggs, season with salt, pile them on the top of the rounds, make a depression in the top of each white, and fill with the unbroken yolks of eggs. Sprinkle with pepper and bake in a hot oven until the whites are slightly browned. Serve on lettuce leaves.
If you decide to prepare and enjoy one of these sandwiches, kindly send a picture to us at email@example.com.
HMM WEEKLY IS written by Tom Scocca, editor, and Joe MacYolk, creative director. If you enjoy Hmm Weekly, please let a friend know about it! If you're reading this because someone forwarded it to you, we invite you to sign up for a copy of your own right now. Thanks for reading, and any time you want, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.