Hmm Weekly for November 3, 2020

We tried to warn you about Tuesdays

TELEVISION DEP’T.

Fox News did the best job with Election-Night Coverage

I WATCH A lotta teevee, and I watch hella talking-head-pundit shitshows. I remember Tim Russert holding up a little dry-erase board with state electoral numbers and possibilities for “paths to victory,” and I’m fed to the fucking teeth with the subsequent iterations leading to goddamn holographic 3D versions of the same crap. For this reason alone I vote for Fox News this time around as having presented the most adult broadcast the evening of Nov. 3.

I don’t watch much Fox News because most of the time it’s predictable and intolerant of any sort of expression of opinion, but for whatever reason, I flipped to the local Fox affiliate and was immediately attracted to the (mostly) low tones and calm discussion, plus, they were talking about how they (Fox) called Arizona for Biden, and they defended the timing of their call, and that apparently there were folks out there who were not happy with that, and were not happy that it was on Fox News, and the broadcasters were like, “Welp, that’s the call, we got it from our analysts, so that’s it.”

I also liked the simple graphics. There was one channel that had this graphic with seats in the senate, and it was just indecipherable, all these little red and blue chairs or something. I have a 50” TV and excellent distance vision, and I could not figure that shit out. Too many notes! Fox had nice clean graphics.

NBC had Lester Holt and Savannah Guthrie, which is fine, but then they pulled in Chuck Todd, who is just totally bursting with his Knowledge about the Game. Annoying!

CBS was the worst, they had like 10 people on their set and it was a clusterfuck, everybody talking over each other and they weren’t even arguing, har! At one point their White House correspondent Major Garret was answering some sort of important question and they had him walk from the graphics display over toward the desk with all the broadcasters, and he’s in that annoying second camera angle everybody uses now, where you see the side of their head as they are talking, and they went wide on the shot and NOBODY at the main desk is even looking at dude, they’re all picking their asses or looking at their fucking cell phones, which was Gayle King’s default position to the point where her fucking phone went off while somebody was talking and derailed everything, which is kinda Gayle’s best move anyway to get everybody back on her.

Also, ABC had Chris Christie on their panel, are you fucking kidding me?

The Fox people also employed indoor-voice to say out loud that Biden had more paths to a win and that Trump’s claims about a stolen election were unsupported, and except for some snickering about how there were mostly cars waiting for Biden to come out and make his address Tuesday night (as opposed, I guess, to maskless Americans all standing around too close for Covid), big ups to Fox, seriously, maybe they figured out they need to pivot against Trump TV when that shit starts.

DEP’T. OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION

Reps in a Set of 10 Exercises, Ranked

1. 1
2. 9
3. 10
4. 8
5. 2
6. (tie) 3-6
10. 7

Another Week, Another Hmm Weekly

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THOUGHT DEP’T.

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BRAIN ITCH DEP'T.

Follow the Buddha MacRib

VISUAL CONSCIOUSNESS DEP’T.

Election Day

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REMINDER DEP’T.

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SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.

WE ARE PLEASED to present select recipes from the 1923 edition of The Calorie Cook Book, by Mary Dickerson Donahey. “A bright, interesting and valuable Cook Book, with economical recipes giving value of foods in Calories and naming foods rich in Vitamins.”

Dried Beef Sandwiches
Mixture 510 Calories

1/4 lb. dried beef
2 tbsps. mayonnaise
1 tbsp. cooking fat

Freshen the beef a little by pouring hot water over it and then wringing the water out. Have the grease hot in a frying pan and fry the beef till it is crisp. Put through the food grinder and mix with the mayonnaise, adding more if necessary to make the filling spread nicely. This sandwich filling is extremely good. It can be made without frying the beef first, but that little crisp fried taste pays for the extra trouble. The very thin bread cut for sandwiches does not average 100 c. per slice; 60 c. would be more accurate.

Economy Club Sandwiches
525 Calories for Each Sandwich

3 slices bread
3 strips bacon, broiled
1 slice tomato
1 hard boiled egg
2 crisp lettuce leaves
Mayonnaise dressing

Toast the bread and lay a slice on a hot plate. Butter it, place on it a lettuce leaf, spread with mayonnaise, and lay on the strips of bacon and half the sliced egg. Add the second slice of buttered toast, and on that lay a lettuce leaf, spread with dressing, on that the tomato, with more dressing, and on that the other half of the egg. Top with the third slice of toast, buttered. Quick, easy and satisfactory for unexpected evening suppers or lunches and almost as good as the real club sandwich, which, as of course everyone knows, has sliced cold chicken or turkey in place of the egg.

Crazy Quilt Sandwiches
1500 Calories

6 slices white bread
2 tbsps. cream cheese
6 slices bran bread
1 tsp. cream
4 dates
Butter, about 2 tsps.
4 walnuts
1 tsp. mayonnaise

Slice the bread thin, and butter it rather lightly. Mix together thoroughly the cream cheese, cream, and the teaspoon of mayonnaise. Grind the nut meats fine, and chop the dates very fine. Stir into the cheese and spread on the bread, putting a slice of brown with a slice of white. Cut each sandwich in two diagonally. Best made with “Grandma’s Brown Bread, recipe for which is given among the breads.*

* Grandma’s Brown Bread
2000 Calories

1 pt. white sponge
1/2 cup of molasses
1/2 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup warm water
1/2 tsp. salt
Graham flour

Take a good, generous pint from your white sponge. Put the brown sugar in a bowl and pour over it the warm water, stirring so all lumps will be dissolved. Add the molasses and salt and then the white sponge; lastly, graham flour until the batter is as thick as can be stirred with a spoon. Place in a greased pan and set away in a warm place to rise till light. Bake about an hour.

If you decide to prepare and enjoy one of the above items, kindly send a picture to us at hmmweekly@substack.com.

HMM WEEKLY IS written by Tom Scocca, editor, and Joe MacDemocracy, creative director.
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