MR. WRONG: OFFICE BIRTHDAY

By Joe MacLeod

THE MR. WRONG Column is ever-vigilant, ever-aware, and ever-ready to combat the infernal machinations of The Man. The Man wants Control. The Man wants you to Obey. The Man wants theirs first, dig? The Man is not your friend, and not your fam! The Man!

Here’s the latest incarnation of The Man, this Cathy Merrill person, the CEO and Owner of Washingtonian Media, with their Opinions in The Washington Post newspaper and/or Web site. Did you see this garbage printed on paper traditionally used to wrap garbage?

Like, right off the rip, what is this supposed to mean:

I am concerned about the unfortunately common office worker who wants to continue working at home and just go into the office on occasion.

The “unfortunately common office worker?” Is that some sorta species of animal? Don’t they have people at The Washington Post Newspaper or Web site who help people write stuff in a Clear and Present manner?

Or do they mean it’s Unfortunate that there are any Office Workers who have been doing their job from their house—let’s say maybe their basement in their house—and even though it’s kinda cold and there’s no window, they Unfortunately still think it’s a better deal than having to risk their life driving through traffic on some Death Race highway when they are groggy in the morning headed to work and exhausted in the evening headed home. Is it Unfortunately Common to not want to do that?

Anyway, I wanna skip right to the part that lit my Remote Worker Fuse:

I estimate that about 20 percent of every office job is outside one’s core responsibilities — “extra.” It involves helping a colleague, mentoring more junior people, celebrating someone’s birthday — things that drive office culture.

Extra! In quotes! Helping somebody else do their job is “extra!” Semi-supervising Junior Unfortunates is “extra.” You know what “extra” means, right? It means you don’t get paid to do that shit but you are expected to! Extra-spected! Extra for The Man!

Then, the extra cherry on the Extra Ice-Cream Sundae of Extra is Celebrating someone’s birthday! The singlemost stupidestmost fuckmost thing anybody ever has to do in an Office, cultured or uncultured! Extra! Happy Birthday! It's like your Most Special Day when you were a kid, only minus all the joy and done in perfunctory manner, by people who don't love you, to remind you you're in a place you can't leave. Office Culture!

Wowww, I sure don’t miss working in an Office for stupid fucking Office Birthdays, Jesus H. Cake, do you remember that crap? Happy Birthday! Do you have a Birthday? Did you have a Birthday? Will you have a Birthday? C’mon, have a Birthday, Happy Birthday!

Let’s sing the Birthday Song About Your Office Birthday! C’mon:

Happy Birth-day it’s true / in the Office, boo-hoo / it’s your Birth-day extra-worst day / Happy Birthday to yoooouuuuuuuuu! Extra!

That’s it, we all just enjoyed a Birthday, unless it’s against your Religion, and I really fucking respect that, I respect all Religions, especially the ones that save me money and time because I don’t have to buy somebody something for somebody’s Birthday!

You’re in an Office, minding your own cubicle, and somebody says OMG IT’S SO-AND-SO’S BDAY LET’S GATHER IN THE GRUBBY ROOM WHERE THE FRIDGE STINKS FROM SOMEBODY’S DEAD FOOD and WE HAVE A CAKE and WHO HAS THE BIRTHDAY CARD THAT WE WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO SIGN IS IT ON YOUR DESK DON’T LET BIRTHDAY PERSON SEE THE CARD OR THEY WILL BURST INTO FLAMES and DON’T FORGET TO CHIP IN FOR THE CAKE and WHO HAS THE CARD WHERE IS THE CARD WE WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO SIGN and! Extra! Leave me alone! Let me do my fucking job! No Extra!

Fuck that shit! We The People have proven, that for many types of Employment, you don’t have to be in an office, everybody, in the same place! This does not make The Man happy! The Man wants you under Control!

This Cathy Merrill somehow fucking believes that if you don’t show up for Office Birthday, you shouldn’t get the benefits of being a goddamn Employee! Doing work for Cathy Merrill! Who wants you in the office in that goddamn fucking cubicle! No money for health care unless you are in that Office box! Control!

Cathy Merrill, every day that we stay outta the office is a day we don’t need Paid Parking, it’s a day we don’t use The Man’s electricity. If we work completely Remote, we don’t require The Man to purchase a toaster oven for the Break Room, we don’t even need a Break Room! We are at home doing our work! I have a way better toaster oven in my house and I don’t have to worry about somebody burning some nasty leftovers lunch! Or microwaving the stupid bag of popcorn too long! How hard is it to make a popcorn bag?

Nobody has Fear Of Missing Out of any of this Culture! Bacteria is also a Culture! Nobody’s out of any loops! Everybody fucking texts! We’re in contact interpreting the latest threat from The Man, such as how “the hardest people to let go are the ones you know,” and we all know that has never stopped anybody from ever getting fired! Extra-ever!

Furthermore and in conclusion, you can tell we are doing our work because the work gets done, and we don’t spend any of The Man’s time standing around for Office Birthday, and then we don’t cost The Man any money for the water bill because we are not in the lavatory shitting out that goddamn Birthday Office Cake! Extra!

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