MR. WRONG: Superb Owl!

By Joe MacLeod, presented by HMM WEEKLY

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DO YOU GIVE a flying fuck about the Super Bowl? If you are someone who is completely bored by or uninterested in the Super Bowl, this concludes your Mr. Wrong column experience for today, and I would like to thank you for reading the Mr. Wrong column! Please enjoy the rest of the Internet!

OK, so, Super Bowl! This is a very American moment, every year, it is a moment when the top Musical Performers do stuff at Half Time, and when famous people sing the National Anthem and when the military might of The United States of America is hinted at, typically with a fly-over of Military jet planes, screaming overhead with Military precision! The Commies like to have parades with missiles and stuff, but we do the jet planes thing, to remind everybody we have a bigger Bomb, it’s more artistic! The Commies have their giant missiles, we have Super Bowl!

Last year I was disappointed that Colin Kaepernick didn’t sneak into the game for halftime, and I still think he should do it this time, but they paid him off, right, for not letting him play football because he might make another statement about America? Maybe he signed papers and can’t be part of Football anymore? It’s weird what you can’t do sometimes, after you sign some Legal Papers, in terms of expressing yourself. I mean, it’s great if he got a pile of money and he’s happy about it, and Ben & Jerry’s got his back, and that’s nice, but I think it would be good if Mr. Kaepernick showed up, but only if he can express himself, you know? 

I love how some companies like Pepsi and Budweiser have announced that they are not going to buy ads during the Super Bowl, like that’s some sort of remarkable thing, except for the part where fucking Pepsi is sponsoring Half Time, so What is Truth, you know? I mean, who else isn’t gonna do a Commercial, so they can get all kindsa commercial exposure for not having a Commercial? Also, Budweiser won’t be advertising any Budweiser, but they will be advertising their other kinds of swill, like the seltzer waters that have “flavored malt beverage” in ’em that are all so popular right now. The trendy hooch always ends up at Malt Liquor somehow. They just keep making it taste different. I’m not saying I wouldn’t drink any if it was in front of me, OK? Getting looped is a big part of my SUPERB OWL experience!

I think it’s pretty funny when people make the same joke all the time and call it SUPERB OWL, because it is a meta-gag, it is making fun of the fact that the National Football League zealously protects the words SUPER BOWL™ when you put them together for football sports, and most importantly, when you put them together making money off of the Big Game, which is another euphemism folks employ when trying to get you to get involved in watching The Big Game at their bar and grill or whatever. 

I know that right now is not really a time when lots of people should be getting together to watch the Big Game, or even a little game, but I don’t care anymore about anybody who decides they wanna get together in a room full of drunken mouth-breathing hollering Sports Fans to watch the Big Game. Seriously, I completely endorse when The Authorities bust people for being a menace to Public Health, but in my mind, I don’t care about what other people do anymore. I can’t control that shit, and complaining about it doesn’t get me anywhere, so for my Mental Health Self Care, I relax about all the Bad Things that people do, Virus-wise. I do what I do to go out into The World of Pestilence, and I am comfortable with my level of exposure to The World, and that’s it. Calculated risk!

I’m tired of being mad at all the dopes who refuse to exercise adequate and appropriate prophylaxis in these Uncertain Times. I’m done, for real, all I can do is watch out for me and mine and ride this thing out for the next what, year or two, while they (and you know who They are) get people vaccinated toward the goal of Herd Immunity, which I think means that only a few thousand people a year will get killed by the Virus. It’s a Plan! Personally, I will totally get a shot, or shots, I look forward to being fenestrated by all the inoculations that are available to me, whenever they are available to me, which is whenever that is! Did you notice how people are calling it a “jab” lately, and not a shot? I have heard getting a shot referred to as a “stick,” but never a “jab” until now. I think that is an English newspapers thing, maybe, to call it the “jab,” and this English-ism has spread into Americanese, like a Virus, get it?

Anyway, I make other decisions that limit my contact with The World that are mostly about avoiding crowds, but I totally do stuff that other people would look at and say I am Bad, and that I am trying to spread Disease and get killed by doing stuff such as going to the grocery store in person, and entering a movie theater for the purpose of seeing a movie. I go to movies. In theaters. I just went last weekend. A pal of mine rented out a movie theater auditorium and it was like, 10 of us, in the whole auditorium, and we watched the movie 50 Shades of Gray, and we goofed on it, it was fun to yell at a shitty movie. A lot of people would look at that activity (being in a movie theater) and be mad at me, and I get it, but for me it was an acceptable risk. I wear a mask and I wash my goddamn hands. How can you not wash your fucking hands? You touch your face with your hands, it’s a wonderful way to transfer Disease into your mucosa and stuff, to not wash your hands and then use them. See, that’s me getting mad at the non-washers of hands, which I have no call to do because I go to the movies, right? Look, I make my decisions based on the odds, you know? Gambling!

Speaking of, my favorite thing about Super Bowl is all the gambling. I love how you can bet on the game, but deeper still, you can bet on who scores first, and the coin toss, and how long the National Anthem will take to be performed, a zillion little wacky details. The best one, though, for me, is getting in on the wagering scheme where you pick a square out of a grid of a hundred squares, and when all the squares have been picked, numbers are randomly assigned to the grid coordinates, and they represent the last digit of each number in the score of the Super Bowl, so as you are rooting for numbers, your allegiance is not with the teams, it’s with the numbers, so you root for and against both teams! You get in on one of these grid-things and then you have something to cheer for, and you don’t have to know anything about football! Gambling!

Speaking of, I got a haircut at a barbershop. I went into the barbershop and sat in a barber chair and the barber had a mask on and they cut my hair and then I left. There were four other people in the barbershop, two barbers and two of the barbered. The barbershop wouldn’t let people sit and wait inside for their haircut, it was a thing where you scheduled your barbering on a web site and then you approached the door of the barbershop at the exact agreed-upon time to be let into the barber shop. But I went to a barbershop! People think that’s bad and dumb and irresponsible! I guess it doesn’t help my argument that some Super Bowl football players got put in Quarantine because they were exposed to a barber who had the Virus! Super Bowl!

There’s going to be 20,000 people in the stadium when they play the Super Bowl. To me, that’s nuts, but I go to movie theaters and went to a barber, so what the fuck do I know?


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